It has plaqued me since age 8. Now that I look back after the dream finally had an ending, I see it was a forewarning of events to come and had I known this, I would have been better prepared but when are we truly prepared for death? Never, but it is a fact of life.

It first came to me as a child at age 8, then again at 16, then in my twenties several times, then in my thirties, and every week in my late thirties. I would awake in cold sweats and cry. I had an impeding doom feeling that my life would end at 36. Then the age changed to 38.

I specifically remember telling Amy, at age 16, my identical twin sister that I saw myself die in my dreams. We were standing in front of the mirror in my parents house getting ready for school. Her eyes became big. She was so beautiful and I felt like the ugly duckling compared to her. Even though we both had red auburn hair and cat like eyes eyes, she was so much more worldly than me. Amazing how one twin views the other.

The dream had significance then. As a child I was too young to understand it and didn’t pay too much attention.

At age 38. the dream kept reappearing whenever I went to sleep.  The body was still the same, laying on a bare mattress, in a bare room, face down. The atmosphere was of despair, grey.

This time, the colors came in. The sweat pants we wore were not of my color but the color Amy had, turquoise. The sweat shirt was grey, not my color and this time, the face was revealed, it was Amy. I had been seeing Amy’s death all these years thinking it was mine.

I rushed to the phone desperately trying to reach her. She was in Italy in Venice and I was in Costa Rica. Two worlds apart. Finally, I woke her up.  I begged her to go to the doctors, begged her, crying and beseeching her. She never went, scared that she would be hospitalized. Fear ruled her world.

Before I hung up, I told her I loved her very much. I always would and I would call her before I reached Panama.

I never got the chance. One week later, Richard, my ex was crying on the aft deck of the yacht we worked on. I had just woken up and walked outside. Then I knew. Amy was dead.

My world fell apart. I saw it happening but I couldn’t stop it in time. One week to a lifetime of dreams couldn’t stop what God had planned. I realize that now. I am only the messenger.

There is a reason i am here and she is not and I only wish a dream would tell me.